Whenever I have a major life change, for some reason I feel like I cannot continue using the same journal as I did before. This used to apply to paper journals only, but I have notifced I am becoming less and less interested in blogging on LJ and am thinking about moving to another platform. I don't want to leave all my LJ friends, and I don't want to delete my account because I have years of entries on here that really mean something to me, but I just don't feel as if this blog is a reflection of me anymore. *sigh*

Change is good. But hard.

Today is my 30th birthday. I am having a lazy afternoon, and then Joe is giving my a little tiny birthday party tonight. Joe pulled a fast one on me this morning. He told me Nadine's Bakery didn't have any carrot cakes, then he went there and brought home a cake, which I assume is carrot. I am not going to look at it until it has candles on it.

He also brought me two black and white cookies. Yum! I have the best fiance ever. So until the party, I guess I'm not really doing much of anything. Nice birthday.

Joe and I are going out to Sierra Vista on Friday, which should be fun. My first baby brother, Ryan, who is in the Army, is currently at Ft. Huachuca in S.V. for a three week training course. Last Saturday was spent with my mom's side, we had dinner together and played cards. It was a lot of fun. At least Elsa didn't hit Brandon this time. I felt sorry for him last time we played, because everytime he didn't give her the card she wanted she slugged him in the arm. Poor Brandito. Well, I guess if he's still going to marry her, he must not mind too much.

Tomorrow is Ryan's weekend to hang out with Dad's side. We are all meeting at my sister Jennifer's house, my dad and stepmom will be there, as well as a brother or two and their familes, I think. I'm not sure. Joe's leg has been bothering him, so we decided instead of driving up and back in one day, we are going to get a hotel room. It will be nice to have some privacy for a night. I don't mind living with the future in-laws, but it's nice to be able to be naked whenever you want, right?

I sure miss my brothers a lot. Ryan and Michael live so far away! And Michael thinks the internet is evil (or something like that). At least I can keep in touch with Ryan on Facebook! He even posted pictures! And he's in them!

my earliest memory? I am not sure of my age. I thin it was three or four. I was fabding in the front yard in the Arizona sunshine, playing in the grass and wearing a pretty blue terrycloth dress or jumper. I felt something itching and tickling my back, which the sundress had left bare. I stuck my finger back there to scratch/investigate. It turns out that a bee had landed on my back, and that was what cause the tickle or itch. Well, it didn't take too kindly to being holed at by a chubby little hand and finger. It stuck me on the index finer, which hurt, and scared me. I do not remember anything else. My mom says I was crying so loud she thought soemthing awful had happened.

I beleive that my phobia of bees comes from this incident, as it is my earliest ememory.

Hello!

The following is the beginning of a list I am compiling of things I want to do or accomplish by the end of 2010. It is incomplete right now, but I am sure I will add more later. Suggestions for things my friends and family think I should add to the list are definitely welcome.

As I add to the list, I will repost.

1. Visit the Grand Canyon for the first time ever.

2. Go to a play.

3. Go to a musical

3. Go to a concert

4. Get married

5. Get my dog spayed

6. Stay the hell away from cancer!

7. Volunteer somewhere

8. I'm turning 30 this year, and I would like to celebrate that, since there were a few times we thought I wouldn't make it past 28.

9. Start taking better care of my skin - and stick with it!

10. Read five books I would not normally read (suggestions welcome)

11. See five movies I would not ordinarily see (suggestions welcome).

12. Learn to walk again.

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Today I am in a great mood. On March 5, 2009 I had surgery to remove the giant tumor in my right leg and replace my knee and half my thigh. Well, two days later they ended up amputating, but the important part is that the tumor was taken out. Since today is March 5, 2010, I have officially been cancer-free for one year today. This makes me very happy. With each day that passes I feel more and more like a survivor.

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Saturday 14 March, 2009

The flowers Joe's family sent to the hospital smell wonderful. Such a beautiful calming smell. I love them. I have been out of the hospital since Thursday. My incisions are healing but i'm still having spasms which cause a lot of pain on my muscles which are still healing. I am really unhappy with the word stump. I don't like it because I think it's ugly. When the doctors after being informed by my family that I didn't like my leg to be referred to as a stump, said it was the technical term, I thought, I don't care. To me it's still a leg. I call it my little leg and the other one is my big leg. Maybe I'm still touchy about the whole thing. Sometimes it's called a residual limb but that seems a cold term. So my leg is still a leg. Who says I have to refer to it a stump? A good friend told me stumps are for trees. My pain is getting better I guess. The spasms are a lot less often. We have to stack pillows on the end of my armchair footrest so the dog doesn't come up here and hurt me. She wants to come sit with me so bad. I wish she could. I miss her. She was going nuts last night because I was in pain and moaning and groaning with it and she couldn't get to me to make sure I was okay. She's a good dog but there is just too much risk she'll jump all over or bump into my leg. My dad and stepmom are coming out to visit sometime not too far away but I'm not sure when. I'm excited. I haven't seen them in several years. My stepdad and sister are talking about coming out together sometime soon maybe too. I hope I'm feeling better so we can show everybody around!

Update: I still call it my little leg, unless I am using it for comedic effect. Also, my dog, once she was finally allowed up on my chair with me, has learned that my little leg is sore, and she tends to stay off of it. Hattie, on the other hand, seemed to get some sort of satisfaction out of standing on the sensitive top-side scar. That bitch. LOL

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Thursday 12 March, 2009

My pain was much improved yesterday afternoon and it looked like we were ready to go home but they said we had to wait for some cast type thing that it turned out I didn't need after waiting hours for. In the meantime I started having severe muscle spasms which caused literal screaming pain. They finally got that figured out and under control during the night and I was released this morning. I'm home now and trying to keep my pain under control with my huge bucket of medications. My bandage has fallen off twice which the hospital says is a good thing cause it shows the swelling has gone down. right now the pain is really bad. I am waiting for the day when pain will be more of a minor issue. I'm also starting to realize that I am an amputee and that isn't going to change which is really depressing me. This is so hard. A long time ago when we first got the diagnosis, I said to Joe that the last thing I wanted was an amputation. That was what I was most terrified of. Well here I am and I'm in so much pain and shaking like a leaf because I'm scared of what this means to changes in my life. I don't know how to not hurt or even be moderately comfortable. This is awful.

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27 March, 2009

I never posted anything explaining what went wrong. I went up to Portland that morning to have my tumor removed (resection) and to have a total knee replacement (TKR) including replacing half of my femur with a metal rod. I was put under general anesthesia and the surgery, which was supposed to last three hours but lasted six commenced. There was a a huge complication. A heretofore unnoticed tumor was discovered at the back of my knee that involved all the vessels they were hoping would keep good blood flow in my lower leg. I woke up in a recovery room. I did okay for a while but just as they were about to move me up to orthopedics I noticed tingling in my foot. I told the nurse. Soon my foot went numb and started to change colors. The nurse called the vascular surgeon and my ortho surgeon. I remember telling my mom that I was scared and crying and signing the consent form. I went back and transferred to another bed and they strapped me in and put the mask over my face and I sort of freaked out inside because I was so scared. I started crying and almost wanted to pull the mask off me because I knew I was going under in seconds. I went back into surgery and for seven hours they tried to save my leg. Because of the extra tumor they had found behind my knee in the first surgery leaving not much blood flow with all the vessels they had to take with that tumor, they were relying on a vessel that was not equipped to do the job. This vessel was supposed to be the size of a pinky finger. It was the size of spaghetti. They tried to bypass several times and every time the vessels clotted up. After 7 hours of heartbreaking surgery the decision was made to amputate. Joe said he could see the frustration in Dr. Hayden's eyes. Saturday morning my leg was amputated. I woke up in the ICU and that's when I found out. I apparently had been told and signed a consent form and had a very touching tearful mother-daughter moment before the third surgery but due to massive amounts of anesthesia I don't remember this). My stay in ICU lasted about 2 and a half days and it was much improved by the nurse I had for most of the stay there. His name was Ed and he was sarcastic and loved to joke around which was great after the first day. The first day I did nothing but scream in pain which was really hard for Joe to handle. The second day Ed and I were sarcasm city. That's the day they got my epidural meds right. I stayed a few more days for a total stay of a week and then I finally got to go home. I think that sums up why one surgery turned into three and the outcome was not as expected.

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9 March, 2009

I really don't know how I feel about this yet. I know the leg is gone. There is pain both in the thigh and phantom pain. And both are mostly controlled by the medications. This is going to be hard. Everybody tells me I'm really brave and strong but when faced with a slow and agonizing death or amputation most people would do what I did. It was easy to make the choice and I was asleep for the surgery. Everything else is recovery. As for courage I think I am compartmentalizing. It's probably the only way I can cope right now. I haven't accepted that my foot and most of my leg is gone. I know at some point I will have something that breaks me. I don't know when that will be but i know it came list time about the cancer. I was just sitting there feeling sorry for myself because i was home alone and kept falling and wanted my mom cause I had just watched 13 Going On 30 and cried when she went to see her parents. Then the gates opened and everything hit me all at once. I can't talk without crying. With texting and Facebook I'm okay cause there is a certain detachment. So courage means nothing. I AM scared. I just haven't been able to deal with it yet. I know this is really stupid to ask after everything we have been through with this but I asked him if he would still love me and want me now that I don't have a leg. I'm not a whole woman and just needed the reassurance. We talked more about it and I'm more reassured. I'm emotionally numb except when I talk on the phone or in person.

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